Comrades, today I am announcing the launch of the long-awaited Zuppinger Inquiry and Review into why it takes so many inquiries and reviews into retail to come up with a panacea for high street woes.

Comrades, today I am announcing the launch of the long-awaited Zuppinger Inquiry and Review into why it takes so many inquiries and reviews into retail to come up with a panacea for high street woes.

So far we have had the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills inquiry, the Portas Review, the ‘alternative’ Grimsey Review, the Malcolm Walker review of the Grimsey Review, the potential Department for Communities and Local Government inquiry and the 21st century Retail Policy from the Policy Exchange.

This has all the makings of a Ronnie Barker sketch.

I am incredulous about the comparative silence from the British Retail Consortium (BRC) at a time when every Tom, Dick and Harry is jumping on the review and inquiry bandwagon.

Why has the BRC not been taking the lead on this? It has made points, but surely it is the right body to state, on a more reflective and objective basis than some others, what its members think.

Maybe it has been too busy flip-flopping over its position on business rates.

What we need is decisive leadership from a credible, good-looking, respected industry figure - no more chatter from self-appointed experts or self-styled gurus.

To that end I am announcing the new Zuppinger Diktat and Ultimate Retail Solution (see Twitter @TheRetailGuru), under which we will be taking direct control and all coffee shops, betting shops and charity shops will be nationalised.

At the same time, we will also surreptitiously nationalise every other retail outlet in the UK. Power to the people.

In effect we will create and exercise a distribution monopoly. In that way we will keep the high street thriving as the consumer will have no choice but to use our shops.

If you think the prospect of implementing the Zuppinger Diktat is harsh, the brutal truth is that there is no one single panacea for the high street.

As always in retail, the last word will always be with the customers. They will ultimately determine your fate, whether you are a multiple or independent.

  • Jamie Zuppinger Co-founder and joint managing director, Barracuda Search